The Struggle is Real
The struggle is so real!!!
Many, if not all of us can say we faced some minor struggles in life, such as getting out of bed to go to work, or start on that homework assignment, or even loosing weight! It’s a struggle!
How many of us can honestly admit that we struggle on even a spiritual level?!
Every day is a battle for some people and sometimes it’s every week, or every now and then! Some of us struggle through substance abuse, depression, anxiety, porn addiction, suicidal thoughts, and sexual impurity’s, to name a few!
I repeat the struggle is real!
I have struggled with some of these mentioned above and even still struggling through! I have struggled with acknowledging that I was dealing with those things and at times put on a face of perfection when inside I was battling demons of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, identity confusion, and soooo much more!
Around the age of 15 I felt all of these struggles hit me! I was depressed due to feeling misunderstood, unwanted, unsure of why I was here on this place called Earth! I began to surround myself with friends that were homosexuals. I felt that I found my people they loved me, they made me feel wanted and apart, they made me feel seen!
Little did I know, who you hang around is who you become! Or as my pastor says often,” show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future!
SPIRITS TRAVEL!!!
I felt myself following in the same routines as those around me! It felt wrong, but in my head I didn’t want anything different. Why would I want to be apart of a group that shows nothing but hate?! Why would I want to be apart of a group that judges me for past mistakes?! That’s NOT my group!
My mind at tug of war between right and wrong, good and evil, I started sinking deep into darkness with no signs of escape and no signs of support and comfort!
Still no satisfaction! Still no sign of being filled! I began to turn to other avenues to become whole!
STILL NOTHING!
Still no one to turn to! Anxiety taking over from longing to be free, but fear of people judging me! I wanted more I wanted peace!! Maybe ending it all would satisfy these things! Hurt and angry from things of the past, I started planning my death up to the last!!
This wasn’t the end of my story! God had other plans for me, he knew that through music he could start healing and freeing me!
I cried out to him to take everything and everyone from me. I wanted a fresh start where I could be me! Years went by and going to war was a morning routine, but I had him by my side guiding me!
I went to a going away party with my mom. There I met such an amazing young lady, she invited me to come to Young Adults where young people come together learn about God and build community! Anxiety creeped in, the thought of having to interact with people after spending so much time alone! I jumped from group to group trying to see where I fit and then I met these two amazing young ladies who were on fire for God and just loved on people!!
I prayed God bring me peace, give me the strength to be open and vulnerable, but most of all refresh my heart and mind to learn to trust again!! I constantly prayed that prayer and slowly he started freeing me! I then prayed about finding community and finding my people and little did I know the plans he had already in place!
As time progressed those same ladies who were my leaders became two of the closest people in my life today! I’ve prayed for my year to be transformed and that I grew closer to him and ministry and he has blessed me beyond I even imagined and he is still blessing me! I remain humble and grateful for everything he has done for me I can’t take credit for anything!
I went from tug of war to releasing the reigns and allowing God to fight those battles for me!!
